MHAW 2021: Talk It Out - How to Talk to Kids About Mental Health

Anxiety, worry, stress.  It’s something that most of us will experience in our lifetime, some more than others.  However, these feelings aren’t limited to an adult experience, they can creep in at early childhood.  Genetics, brain chemistry, learned behaviours and environmental influences (particularly social media) can all play a part in a child’s mental wellbeing.

Opening the door to conversations about mental health early increases awareness, confidence and helps to normalise and accept it as a family, as we do with physical ailments – just as your child would come to you with a broken bone or a scraped knee, you want that same natural willingness if they’re feeling down, anxious, nervous or scared.  

We understand, talking about mental health to a child can seem complicated and daunting.  What if you say the wrong thing?  How far do you take the conversation?  How much detail should you give?  The good news is, there are a few key ways to ease the conversation into your family home.

Normalising mental health conversations with your child

As with many aspects of parenting, the most powerful place to begin is to set the scene yourself.  Often as adults we hold ourselves to stay strong and bury all negative feelings in front of our children, when in fact portraying these emotions in a healthy and controlled manner can do wonders in terms of role-modelling.  Discuss your own struggles, or what you found difficult in your day and how it affected your feelings, what you did to get out of that space and if you found that difficult.  Normalise, normalise, normalise.  By doing this, you’re allowing your child to understand that we all have sad days, that they will come and go and that it is okay to feel not-so-rosy all of the time.*

At any age, getting a child to understand and acknowledge what may cause them to feel stressed or worried can be immensely helpful in learning to accept the feelings and draw back on them.

Addressing a young child versus a teen on the topic will look very different.  Here are some tips on how to address the mental health chat with a child of any age:

Younger children

For very young children, it’s about building the foundation of learning emotions and feelings.

• Help them by putting their emotions into context, for example, “you feel sad because your favourite cup broke.” This helps them to connect the emotion they’re feeling to the context.  Following this with an offering to ease the emotion (a hug, holding time with them) and a solution to the problem (offer another cup, or perhaps the broken cup is fixable) completes the emotional loop and creates a familiarity and further comfort for the child.

• Visual cues can be extremely helpful for young children.  This could be a poster on the wall of different feelings for them to point to.  A basis for the conversation to flow.

Older Children

The primary and intermediate age group brings with it social complexities which can be a trigger for worry and confusion.  

• Make the small issues count – if your child comes to you because they had an argument with a friend over a toy, don’t brush it off, instead allow it to become an opportunity to open the discussion around feelings and how to overcome them (plus the social problem solving aspect is huge!)

• Explaining the bodies physiological response to stress can work well for a child of this age to not only gather an understanding of how the body works but also to acquire some feelings of control should they experience these.  For example, “when your heart beats faster and you sweat when you have been running, the same things can happen when you’re feeling really nervous or worried about something, it’s normal”

• If feelings of worry or anxiety arise, talk about the situation or event that may have caused these feelings, how it made them feel physically and how they felt once they managed to overcome these feelings.  For example, “I felt worried about going back to school after the school holidays.  My mind started to worry and I felt hot and my heart beat really fast.  I took some deep breaths and asked my Dad to come into the class with  me to help me set up my things.  I felt proud that I gave it a go”

• "Hey Sigmund" has some fantastic videos and resources that help children to understand anxiety.

Teenagers

Teenagers may arguably be the trickiest age group to crack and unlock.  

• Ask open ended questions with your teens, avoiding the “I’m fine” response.  Make these questions a part of your daily routine.  It may help to offer information about your day first to get the ball rolling.

• Be mindful of your tone, expectations and don’t jump into fix things (as hard as this may be!).  Often teens struggle to let down their guard to share their stories, concerns and feelings, by listening without the “fix it” reaction, you allow them to maintain the control of the conversation and in turn build confidence to do it again – you know the feeling when you just want someone to listen without trying to give you advice?!

• "Hey Sigmund" has some fantastic videos and resources that help teenagers to understand anxiety.

Signs that your child may be feeling anxious

Some common reasons for children feeling anxious are bullying, academic and societal pressure to achieve, popularity amongst their peers, family dynamics (a death, separation, new relationships), natural disasters or tragedies (whether they experience them first hand or see them in the media), busy schedules, increased screen time and social media and frightening video games, movies or books.

Your child may display changes in their behaviour such as moodiness, aggression or separation anxiety, difficulty concentrating, school refusal, withdrawing or changes in their usual personality, nail biting, sudden fears, loss of interest.

Physical changes may also occur and can include, change in appetite, bedwetting, night terrors, headache or stomach ache complaints, restless legs, increased fidgeting.

Source: Danica Richards (Synergy Health)