MHAW 2021: Why Talking With Others Is So Important

There has been a lot of research undertaken as to why socialisation, including talking with other people, is so important for our wellbeing. The answers are many - it releases stress, builds relationships, provides support, helps us to grow, provides new pathways in our brain, brings a different perspective - and much more. The overall theme of the research is that talking with other people is very beneficial for us.

Working through it

Each of us is unique because of what we have done in our lives, our knowledge, and experiences, but this uniqueness can also limit our ability to help ourselves when problems are on our minds that we have trouble working through alone.

It is famously said that most often when we have something on our mind that we have difficulty resolving, "It's ourselves, talking to ourselves, about our self".

Processing negative thoughts

When we struggle with a negative thought that we cannot find an immediate solution to, we have to get it out of our heads to avoid catastrophising and heading down the worry spiral. There are three ways in which to get something out of our head - read, write, and talk. Then, we must take some action to resolve the issue itself.

Reading does not get things out of our heads; it simply extends our knowledge base, which gives us an opportunity to find a solution. But this can be limiting if we read inappropriate or misleading information. Information to resolve our problem must be from a reputable source because the first piece of information that we read builds a neural pathway that is difficult to modify later.

Writing our thoughts down in a confidential journal or writing a letter and destroying it can be helpful in some situations. However, the issue may return if we haven't processed it fully when writing it down. Writing tends to reduce the problem by getting it outside of our head, but the problem may come back to our mind from time to time.

Talking is the best option to resolve those problems that we haven't been able to resolve ourselves. Talking with others extends the knowledge and experience needed to find the appropriate resolution strategy. Talking also helps to bring a new perspective to our issue, we can see things through a different lens.

Support from the right people

I was once asked, "Do we have to go through tough times to become a better person". My answer, "Yes, if it helps to improve ourselves in areas where we are most vulnerable." What I should have clarified further is that we shouldn't have to go through those times alone, we all need support in our tough times.

The person with whom you speak must be the right person. They must be non-judgmental, honest, and trustworthy. The last thing that we want when reaching out to another is for our confidant to make inappropriate comments, to be afraid to tell us what we need to hear, or for them to gossip with others. Moreover, it is extremely unhelpful if our confidant simply tells us "Not to worry!" Good luck with that one.

It is not the number of people that we have in our lives that matters most, it is the depth of those friendships that is of the greatest importance. Having one person whom we can trust to share our problems with is far better than having many people around us with whom we aren't genuinely connected.

One person is all that we need to share with, or rather we might just want to share our issue once. 'Shopping around' to find the answer you want to hear is not going to resolve your problem, nor is it helpful to share your problem more than once because you may be reinforcing the problem by building a neural pathway each time you talk about it. 

Finding a solution

Just talking with another can be enough to reduce the burden, a problem shared is often a problem reduced, rather than halved. If you feel comfortable, then ask a couple of people to be there when you talk about your problem. By doing so you are extending the knowledge and experience available to help therefore are more likely to find a relatable solution.

Once you have chatted and found a way through your problem then set about fixing it with a practical action. We can 'work at worrying or work on what is worrying us', our brain is going to work regardless of which one we choose to do. Working on our problem gives us something positive to focus on rather than the negative problem.

Sometimes we do have to take some time to process our problem before moving forward because pushing it aside means it will only return later. It might be best to feel the emotional reaction before setting about resolving it. Feeling the negative emotion will remind us about the problem and avoid it again, plus we will remember that we can get through negative events in our lives if we have felt the emotion. Just don't dwell for too long on any negative emotion, less tends to be best.

Source: Lance Burdett, Specialist in Communications, Safety, and Resiliency